u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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