Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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