The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
