Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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