don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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