All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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