I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
