No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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