We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
