I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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