If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
