I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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