It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
