for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
