i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she told me i tasted like america
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
