Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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