I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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