We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
