I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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