i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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