worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
