oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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