So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
