I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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