I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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