meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
