you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
