today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
