So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
