No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
