the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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