I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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