If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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