Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
