You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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