I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
