she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
