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nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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