you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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