true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I deserve this hangover.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
