sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
