Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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