Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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