I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
