I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
