ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
