I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
