if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
