And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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