I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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