eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
