I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
